Let's Talk About Age Appropriate

In a matter of a few short weeks, my girl will be 30 years old. Given that she needed behavioral supports from the age of 2, I should have known that the road was going to be unpaved, bumpy and filled with unexpected turns.  

29th Birthday Party

I have learned to appreciate every success, every word that comes out of her mouth and her ability to be immersed in our community, a dream, years ago, I thought only for others.

Let's get to this age appropriate concept... is it age appropriate for us as parents in our 50's and 60's, to still have 24/7 responsibility for an adult child? I think not. Look around at your friends who are off traveling, planning their next adventure without a single thought about their children's care, should lend you some perspective.  

So, I say this, as long as it is safe, do what needs to be done to make your life easier, more relaxed, happier, allows your child to be comfortable in your community and if someone has a problem with my daughter carrying around a doll which allows her to relax in an environment... too bad.

I recently did a presentation to a group of passionate community support workers who are person centered coaches. 

I shared the 1 page profile that identifies 3 target areas for the supported person.

1. Things We Like and Admire about that person; 

2. What is "Important To" the person; and 

3. How to Best Support the Person. 

One of the attendees later shared that he still struggled with the "age-appropriate" issue. Let me quote the participant, who by the way, loved the presentation.

"I still struggle with the debate about age appropriateness as it relates to clothing choices and the toys that obviously make her daughter happy. I respect the concept of what's important to the individual and their quality of life, but take very seriously our goal of changing stereotypes that are often associated with the folks we support."

Another of the Many

This got me thinking.  Why would it matter so much to a person in a supportive role?  I tried to survey people in my outer circle, those not active in the world of special needs. 

Here is what one person thought:

"I wouldn't want any observers to put me in the same category as the person with the disability".   

At Applebees

This made sense to me when I look from the perspective of an outlier.  My daughter looks like a teenager even though she is nearly 30. When she speaks it is obvious to any listener that she requires supports.  She requires 24/7 supports to remain safe and often dresses in Disney attire.  I know a lot of adults lacking special needs that regularly wear Disney attire, decorate their homes as such and have other childhood interests. Key chains with characters, ball caps with Goofy, and the list goes on.

My daughter finds comfort in carrying her dolls. It is like the social dog without the poop. Stuffed and left in the car--easy--a dog, not so much.

The dolls have become a social connection. It is largely other women ask her about her dolls, their names, where she buys them, and share their own collections.  Lauren likes to have one around most of the time. Sometimes, it is Franklin the Turtle or Arthur but 90% of the time, it is a doll.  

Lauren and Elsa from Frozen at
Music in the Park in downtown
Campbell last week - a FIRST!

For me, it helps onlookers to be aware that she has a need for support.  On the plane, it us a cue to other passengers, flight attendants and most importantly, the TSA.  It provides comfort, gives her something to hug, fuss with and distract her from the 5 hour long flight. The doll is a communicator of sorts. Way better than a Klonopin or an Ativan, don't you think?

Of course in Lauren's 1 page profile, the dolls are high on the list.  Taking them out in the community is right up there with calling mom when she wants.  Does it look age appropriate? Well, not by definition, but this is my reality. 

My thoughts are that if it makes an outing, visit, or travel easier for the individual and the supporter, does it even matter what others think? 

I think not. 

What do you think?